Fugue
by echovalley21609
Summary: It's pretty much Karma's parents' fault. Without them and their "special brownies", none of this would have happened.
1. Chapter 1

Things are weird now, and Karma's only 20 percent sure it's because Amy slept with Karma's boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Whatever. And Karma still doesn't quite trust her (Karma doesn't trust Liam at all). The other 80 percent is pretty sure it's because Karma keeps dreaming about kissing Amy. Or about Amy kissing other people. Like, seriously, what _is_ that?

Screwed up. That's what that is.

The Internet's no help. Her horoscope has been shitty for days and every variation of "straight girls who like girls" that she types into every search engine leads her to some spot on the LGBT spectrum, and, like, nobody understands that Karma's _not on_ that spectrum. She's not. She's 100 percent straight.

Well. Ninety-nine percent straight. If the one percent is Amy.

Because that's the thing, Karma doesn't like _boys_ and _girls_; she likes _boys_ and _Amy_. Maybe. She doesn't totally want to date Amy for real, but she for sure doesn't want her to date anyone else. Which she also feels shitty and guilty about because Amy broke up with Reagan two weeks ago and won't tell Karma why, and Karma's pretty sure it's because Amy somehow secretly knows about Karma's dreams and thoughts and feelings…

_Because everything always has to be about you, right?_

God, she hates herself sometimes.

The fucking cheap Internet service her parents pay for freezes on a website about what all the different letters in the LGBT alphabet stand for, and Karma is an idiot and was on the "family" computer in the kitchen instead of her own laptop, and this is going to be pretty hard to explain to her mom and dad, whom she actually had to come out as _straight_ to. Granted, it was entirely her fault that they thought she was not straight, but still. They're her fucking parents. They should know her better than she knows herself, so she can go to _them_ with stupid fucking questions like _"Why do I have this recurring dream about making out with my best friend?"_

They'd probably just cry (with joy) and tell her she's gay. Or bi. That's a thing, Karma knows now. She'd thought bisexuality was something gay people made up to prove that they aren't actually gay. But it's its own thing, she's found out, thanks to anonymous people online. No thanks to her shitty public school that cancels classes for stupid day-long "social experiments" that aren't going to mean a goddam thing when SATs and ACTs roll around, but whatever.

Karma's pretty sure she's not bisexual.

Well. _Maybe_. But, like, probably not. For sure not. Probably. Does bisexual count if it's all dudes and only one girl? Karma doesn't know. And she doesn't know if she's attracted to Amy. When she looks at Amy, she doesn't feel any different. Well. Except when Amy smiles. That's kind of nice. Or when she says something hilarious, which is often. Or, _was_ often. Things are weird now. Weirder.

Karma's wearing her best friend necklace again, but it makes her uncomfortable, like she doesn't know if they can be best friends after everything. Or, like, maybe only Karma feels that way because she doesn't want to be best friends anymore, she wants to be…

_Stop._

_You're straight._

This is stupid, Karma decides.

She tries to shut off the computer, but an error message keeps popping up, and Karma legit thinks about spilling soda or melted butter in the hard drive and just throwing the whole goddam thing out. Nobody uses it anyway. And Karma really doesn't want to sit through another lecture about how her parents love her no matter what and _"are you very, very sure, honey?"_ She had to listen to that for 45 minutes the night Amy confessed her 10-year-long love for her while they were all sitting in jail.

If her parents loved her, they would _believe her_, Karma is pretty sure.

The front door slams, and Karma yanks the power cord, hoping the computer will die in the next 15 seconds, but it's just Amy who appears in the doorway and Karma breathes.

"Hey," Amy says.

"Hey," Karma says. "What are you doing here?"

"Sorry. Do I need a reason?"

Okay, so Amy's in a pissy mood. That's fine. Karma glances at the clock on the wall. It's a Saturday, just a little after noon. Her parents are out God-knows-where selling kale or whatever-juice smoothies and will probably be gone for a while.

"No," Karma says. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Amy sits at the counter, and they both know she's lying. There is definitely something wrong. But Karma lets her sit without an interrogation and Amy says, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Homework." Amy raises her eyebrows and Karma pretends not to notice. "You want something to eat?" Karma's house is one of the few places Amy can eat without thinking about whether she's eating something that contains peanuts. Not that she thinks about it regularly anyway, but Karma's made sure since first grade that any meals here would not end in a trip to the hospital.

"What do you have?" Amy asks like she doesn't already know.

"A bunch of organic stuff, something I don't even know what it is, and some brownies."

"I'm not eating any of your parents' baked goods."

"No, these are fine," Karma says, pulling the pan out of the fridge. "I made them label everything after… Look." She points to a second pan next to the milk. "Special." She points to the pan she's holding. "Not special. There are only like six left. You want one?"

Amy nods and Karma peels the Saran wrap off. The brownies are enormous and frosted. They each take one.

"So, why'd you break up with Reagan?" Karma has asked at least once a day since it happened, and even though Amy usually yells at her, she doesn't feel bad about bringing it up now because Amy is staring at her phone with such an intensity Karma almost feels like she should leave the room.

"It doesn't matter. Something stupid."

"Who are you texting?"

"Your mom."

Karma rolls her eyes. "Oh, yeah? Is she asking for bail money?"

Amy glances up and smiles and suddenly today is a good one, Karma thinks. "It's not your mom," she says. "It's Shane."

"What's he want?"

Amy just shrugs. Karma figures she needs to make more friends.

God, these brownies were fucking delicious. Probably people who are questioning their sexualities deserve a second helping, so Karma grabs another. Not that she's questioning anything. Maybe the brownies are just _that good_ and God or whatever blessed her with a metabolism that was _that high_, so she can enjoy whatever the fuck she wants, thank you.

"You can have more if you want," she says to Amy, who has finished bus is staring at the pan like she's starving. "We're not saving these for anything." Amy picks up another. There are only two left now.

"I broke up with Reagan because Mom and Bruce are fighting," Amy says, and it catches Karma all the way left, because even though she'd asked about it like five minutes earlier, she'd already forgotten and thought they'd moved on to something else.

"Do you think they're going to get a divorce?"

Amy shrugs. Then, "Yes."

"That's a dumb reason to break up with someone," Karam says, and she immediately feels bad because Amy looks away like she's _knows_ she's being dumb, but she has her own, as-of-yet unexplained reasons for breaking up with her girlfriend, and Karma knows those unexplained reasons are that Amy's family is fucked up and Amy is fucked up when it comes to family, and neither of them have said so out loud but they both know there are things Karma will never get because her parents have never divorced anyone. Or been married five times. Four? Karma thinks. Fiv — four. Four. Bruce is four.

"Yeah, well," Amy says at the same time Karma says, "I'm sorry."

Amy sighs.

Karma says, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Amy shakes her head. She never wants to talk about it. In the short list of things their friendship can't _really_ handle talking about too often, Amy's family occupies the second and third slots.

It used to occupy the top slot, but whatever their relationship is now has taken that honor since Karma's brilliant idea to fake being lesbians.

"These are really good brownies," Amy says. "Like, _really_ good."

"I think my mom made them with vanilla or something," Karma says. Then she realizes something. "Are your parents fighting _now_? Is that why you came over?"

"_They_ are not my parents. They are my mother and her husband," Amy says.

"Sorry."

"And yes. That's why."

Karma doesn't really know what to say to that, so she gives Amy a sad look. Or at least she hopes it's a sad look. Amy's so pretty it's hard to look sad at her. God, she's _so _pretty. Even as she's grabbing a third brownie, which she does.

"These aren't very filling," she says. "I'm still hungry."

"Me too," and Karma takes the last one.

They chew in silence for a while and then Amy says, apropos of nothing, "Everything's so fucked up at home."

"How so?"

"Just… Nobody knows what marriage _is_. It's where you find the person you like more than everybody else and you say, 'this is it,' and then you marry them and … that's it. For better or worse. Is that not a thing? That has to be a thing. I've heard it in at least three wedding vows."

"Don't worry about them. I'm your family." It's her standard response, but for some reason Karma feels weird about saying it this time. Like maybe it's not enough.

But Amy steamrolls right over it and says, "Don't call yourself that anymore. Family's just another word for people who say they love you and then leave you forever."

And yeah, Karma remembers, barely, how fucked it was when Amy's dad left, or when Amy's mom kicked him out. She's never gotten the full story. She wonders if Amy even _knows_ the full story.

"You should just call Reagan," Karma says. "She'll understand."

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"Because," Amy says. "I just want to feel bad."

That's pretty much the stupidest thing Karma's ever heard. "Why?"

"Because I want to!" Amy snaps and Karma figures they're done talking about this. She checks the clock on the wall. Two-thirty. How did that happen?

"Are you still hungry?" she says.

"Starving."

"Yeah." God, and now Karma's looking around, and there are so many _things_ in their kitchen. "We have a lot of stuff," she says.

"Yeah."

"Like, how did we _get_ all this stuff?"

"Your parents probably stole it."

"Don't say that."

"Okay."

"Don't _think_ it, either."

Amy says nothing.

"Are you thinking it?"

"No."

"You're a jerk."

"So are you."

And _something's_ weird, because everything starts moving a lot slower than normal, and Karma's pretty sure she's been in love before and this ain't how it feels, so it can't be _that_, so what…

"Oh my God," Amy says, staring at the ceiling. Karma looks up to see what she sees, but all there is is … ceiling.

"What?"

"I'm fucking hungry as _shit_."

It's pretty infallible logic, especially when Karma notices her stomach growl as if she didn't just eat like three pounds of brownie. For filling up, though, their cupboards are pretty sparse. If they don't want to cook anything, they'll have to go to McDonald's or something, which is what Karma tells Amy.

"I don't want to go anywhere," Amy says. Karma waits for like 10 minutes before Amy adds, "What do you have that we can cook?"

"Like, shitty organic box noodles, shitty organic frozen shit, shitty organic yogurt that's moldy or is supposed to be blotchy green, shitty organic salad shit…"

Amy comes to the cupboard. Karma doesn't even remember her moving. "What about this?" she says about a box of cake mix.

"Those are for birthdays."

"It's got to be _someone's_ birthday today," Amy says. 

"Okay," Karma says and closes the cupboard. "What else do we need?"

Amy's concentrating really hard on the back of the box. It's almost hilarious. "We definitely need an oven," she says. "And a pan. Water. Eggs. Milk is optional."

Karma grabs a pan. "Like this?" she says. It's pretty flat. Amy dumps the contents of the box cake mix on the pan. They stare at it for like an hour.

"That doesn't look right."

"No."

Amy sighs, like it's a huge fucking chore to read the back of the box again. "Water. Milk. Eggs," she says. "Those are the things we need."

Karma's already at the fridge. "How many eggs?"

"Two."

Karma breaks two eggs against the edge of the counter. Most of them get into the cake pan. Amy fills a cup of water from the sink and pours that in as well. "Do we need to mix it up?" Karma says.

"It's going to be hard in this flat pan," Amy says. "We need a big bowl."

Karma can't remember where the big bowls are, so she dumps out a roundish flower vase that Zen gave to their mother for Mother's Day _two years ago_. Two years. Those flowers are dead. Amy tips the pan into the vase. A lot of the batter ends up on the counter. And the floor.

"Oh," Amy says.

"Don't worry," Karma says. And she means it. Amy shouldn't worry about anything, ever. Especially not her stupid family. Karma feels bad a lot of the time because Amy's family is so fucked and hers is so perfect. Well, not perfect. Zen's kind of a dick and her parents _really_ want her not to be straight, but, like, she knows it's better than Amy's family by like a _mile._

"We forgot the milk," Amy says, staring into the vase.

"We don't need it," Karma says and she gets a big wooden spoon and tries to mix the batter. It doesn't go well. Some of it gets on Amy's face and some of it gets on Karma's shirt and _a lot_ of it tips over the edges onto the counter and the floor and now there's not much left to bake and Amy tips the rest back into the flat-as-shit pan and Karma sets the oven to 400-whatever degrees and motions for Amy to get the pan and Amy does but then it slips out of her fingers, hits the open oven door and bounces, batter-side-up, onto the kitchen floor.

"Oh," Amy says.

Karma slides onto the floor and sits against the cabinets. Amy sits next to her, and it's like nine hours before Karma says anything and when she does, it's, "Are you still in love with me?"

Amy shakes her head.

"I won't be mad," Karma says.

Amy hesitates. Then she nods.

Karma leans in.

It's amazing. It's like her dreams, but real. And Amy's there and she's real, and they're never on the kitchen floor like they are now, covered in sugar and egg and goopy batter mix, but it's great, it's wonderful, it's fantastic and someone's calling Karma's name and she prays to God or whatever, _Don't let this be a dream_.

And then there are hands, prying Karma's and Amy's faces apart, and it's not a dream, and now they're staring up at Karma's parents, who are staring back with expressions Karma can't read.

"Hi," Karma says. Amy waves a little bit. They're still lying on the floor.

"Hi," Karma's mom says. "What are you two up to?"

And Karma's not entirely sure she can form coherent sentences, but luckily Amy jumps in with, "We're baking."

Which is not untrue, although their future cake is kind of spread all over the kitchen and the oven door is still wide open with nothing inside and it's not _technically_ what they were doing right that second, but whatever. Details.

And now her parents are staring at them like they've just figured something out and Karma's mom goes to the counter and looks at the empty brownie pan. "Did you eat these?" she says.

"Yeah," Karma says.

"They weren't very filling," Amy says.

And now Karma's parents are whispering to each other and Karma's trying to listen but she's also distracted by _everything else_ going on, so she only catches a few words and one of them is "mislabeled" and Karma suddenly sits up.

"No, it's not," she says. "I'm _straight_. Remember? I told you." Her parents just stare at her. Karma frowns. "You guys never believe me when I say I'm straight!"

More stares.

"I believe you," Amy says.

"Thanks, _Amy_," Karma says directly into her parents face. Or as directly as she can from the kitchen floor. The room starts spinning, kind of, and Karma thinks she better lie down again.

"Okay," Karma's dad says. "I think we should try to get up off the floor and move to the living room."

"Can you walk?" Karma's mom says, and she only waits like 10 seconds before saying, "Okay," and she grabs Karma's arms and pulls her to her feet. Karma's dad helps Amy stand at the same time.

"Are you guys going to make me go home?" Amy says.

Both of Karma's parents scream, "No!" and it's so unexpected that Karma snort-laughs.

Karma's dad says, "Actually, Amy, we would love it if you stayed for the next thr— four or five … or six hours. We never get to see you anymore."

"Oh," Amy says. "I have to go home for dinner, I think…"

But then they're in the living room and Karma's mom is putting Donnie Darko into the DVD player and Karma doesn't remember it as a funny movie, but every scene now, while she's holding Amy's hand on the couch and her parents clean up the kitchen, is goddam hilarious. 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Hopefully, this is as good as the first part, which I wrote (and posted) when I was super drunk. Happy reading/writing!

…

Karma wakes up on the couch to an empty living room and movie credits rolling on the TV. Goddammit. She really likes the last scene when everyone stands around and that super fucking dramatic song plays. And now it's _over_. And nobody even woke her up. They all _know_ it's her favorite part, too! Fuck them. Where the fuck _are_ they, anyway? She needs them to be here so she can yell at them.

"Amy?" she says. "Mom? Dad?"

She gets mad when nobody answers because that means she's got to go _looking _for them and they're probably not even in the _house._ Probably they all watched the end of the movie while she slept and they all laughed at her and then went out for ice cream together or something. Like that time Zen told their parents that Karma was over at Amy's and they took _him_ out for ice cream and bowling but in fact Karma was in her _room_ the entire fucking time and basically her whole family abandoned her that day.

Zen's such a dick. Ice cream sounds really good right now, though. Or pizza. Or chili. They never did get to eat that cake.

"Mom? Amy? Dad?"

They're not in the kitchen. You know what is, though? Those special brownies. The ones Karma and Amy didn't eat. Karma's so hungry she thinks about taking one, but she doesn't really want to get high or anything, so she walks out of the kitchen and goes upstairs instead.

"Amy?"

"Karma?" It's not Amy. It's her mom. She's sitting in the hallway bathroom holding Amy's hair back while Amy… well. Karma's instantly furious. And worried. Worried for Amy. Furious at her mother.

"Amy, are you okay?" she says. And then, to her mother: "What did you _do_ to her?"

"There was a bit of a … miscommunication…" Karma's mom says.

"I think I'm dying…" Amy says.

"No, Amy, you're not dying," Karma's mom says. "It's just—"

"Were there peanuts in the brownies?" Karma yells. "Did you call 911?"

"Karma, listen…"

"I don't want to die," and Amy sounds so pitiful and so close to crying and Karma doesn't know what to do, like, Amy's actually going to fucking _die_, and—

"Girls, listen! Nobody's going to die," Karma's mom says. "It wasn't peanuts, it was … weed."

Karma's certain she's misheard. "What?"

"The brownies got mislabeled. You ate from the special batch."

"So … we're just high?" Karma says. And, well, she has to admit things are starting to make a little bit more sense.

"Oh, I _am _going to die," Amy says. "My mom's going to kill me. And she's going to kill all of you guys, too…" And then she throws up again.

"Okay, get out of the way," Karma says, and her mom gets up and Karma takes her spot in the bathroom next to Amy. "And where the fuck is Dad?"

"He'll be right back. He went out to get some things to …" She glances sympathetically at Amy. "…help with the nausea." Karma glares at her. "I'm so sorry, honey," her mom says. "This is all our fault. If there's anything we can do…"

"Tell your dad to bring back pizzas," Amy says to Karma.

"Tell Dad to bring back pizzas," Karma says to her mom.

"Okay," Karma's mom says.

And as she leaves, Karma calls after her, "Tell him to get the good pizzas! Not the shitty vegan pizzas!"

"I would eat shitty vegan pizzas right now," Amy says. "I don't care."

"That's only 'cause you're really high."

"So are you."

"Yeah," Karma says. "I just want them to feel bad."

"It's not their fault."

"Yes, it is. They're maniacs."

"_You're_ a maniac."

Karma grins. "Shut up." Amy grins, too, and they stare at each other for a little too long, and Karma's still high, but not as high as she used to be and she's suddenly really, really aware of what happened in the kitchen earlier so she looks away and tries to tell herself _it's just the drugs_ but she actually feels like crying because right now even she knows that's bullshit.

Amy can totally tell, too, that something's wrong, because she says, "Karma, what's wrong?"

And Karma can't even put it into words. She tries to remember what Amy said the night everything got fucked up to hell, at her mom's wedding, but now that she thinks about it, Amy didn't actually say anything. She just gave a romantic toast right in Karma's face and _Karma's_ the one who finally had to figure it all out.

Maybe if she recites Amy's toast back at her, she'll figure it out, too.

"Karma?" Amy's worried, now.

"You're lucky," Karma says, because that's the only part of the toast that she remembers right now, and she feels like an idiot because that by itself doesn't make any goddam sense, and she's _straight_ anyway and absolutely _not_ in love with her best friend so whatever. Whatever.

"I'm lucky?" Amy says. "What do you mean?"

And Karma wants to scream at her, _Amy figure it out!_ But also _there's nothing to figure out!_ And _remember the kiss at the threesome?_

_No. I absolutely do not remember that,_ Karma thinks at herself. And now she's looking at Amy again and a wave of nausea starts in the pit of her stomach and she can feel it working its way up her throat. The same kind of nausea Karma feels whenever she has to interact with a cute boy. Or the same kind of nausea Karma feels whenever she accidentally ingests a shit-ton of marijuana. Karma's never actually smoked or whatever-ed weed before so she doesn't know how she reacts to it.

But Amy just vomited a whole bunch because of it, Karma thinks, so she's more than happy to attribute her churning stomach to the weed and not anything else.

"Are you going to throw up again?" Karma says.

"I think I'm done," Amy says.

"Good." And Karma pushes her out of the way and suddenly it's Amy's turn to hold _her_ hair back, and they're like that for a while and then Karma calms down and lets herself forget what she was freaking out about and stops feeling sick and doesn't have time to think about anything that's happened because then pizza is there and it's shitty vegan, _organic_ pizza but holy damn it's the most delicious meal Karma's ever eaten _in her life_ and the most goddam hilarious things are coming out of Amy's mouth and Karma just loves having a best friend who won't get mad when they accidentally drug themselves into oblivion for an entire goddam Saturday afternoon.

Like, seriously.

Karma figures she's coming down, finally, because the world is moving a lot closer to normal speed and the little things aren't nearly as funny and Amy's just lying on Karma's bedroom floor and Karma's just lying on her bed and they're both just listening to some album that was released before they were born and the moment's so perfect, Karma loves her so much, she's so lucky to have a _best friend_ like Amy.

And she doesn't want to ruin or change _anything_, but Karma also really, really wants to make sure that Amy's not thinking they're suddenly going to start dating now, because that's definitely not going to happen, but if Karma starts asking too many questions, Amy might start asking questions, too. And Karma's pretty sure Amy's questions are a lot more legitimate.

Like, an example of one of Karma's questions is, _Hey Amy, why is it okay for us to kiss when your mom and step-guy are fighting, but it's not okay for you and Reagan to be together?_

And a possible example of one of Amy's questions is, _Hey Karma, why'd you kiss me if you're straight and not in love with me?_

(That is also an example of one of Karma's questions, and Karma hasn't come up with a good answer for it yet.)

But Karma's learning — you have to think about things you don't want to think about and talk about things you don't want to talk about because if you don't, your best friend will confess that she's been in love with you for the past 10 years and then sleep with your boyfriend.

So she carefully arranges the words in her head, looks for any possible way they will be construed as offensive or hurtful or inspire further discussion, opens her mouth, immediately gets super nervous, and what tumbles out is, "You know we're not going to start dating now, right?"

Amy gets quiet for a long time. "I wasn't thinking that," she finally says.

"I didn't—"

"Why do you _always_ assume that I'm _always_ thinking that?"

"You're the one who said you still loved me."

"You asked me! Right before you kissed me!" Amy sits up. "_You _kissed _me_."

"Yeah, I did, but—"

"Why'd you do that?"

"I don't know!"

"You don't _know_?"

"_Do_ you still love me?"

"Karma," and Amy gets up and sits on the bed. "If you're straight and not in love with me, why'd you kiss me?"

"Do you still love me?"

"Why'd you kiss me?"

"Do you still _love_ me?"

"Why'd you _kiss _me?"

Karma angry-sighs and looks away. "We're not going to date. I'm not going to kiss you again."

"Fine." Amy gets off the bed and shuts off the music.

"Are you going to call Liam?" Karma says.

"Why would I call Liam?"

"Isn't that what you usually do when I reject you?" It's a _really_ low blow, like the lowest blow Karma's ever dealt, and she feels like shit as soon as she says it, and she's not even sure _why_ she said it except that she's really fucking _pissed off_ about things she's not allowing herself to think about right now, and Amy, her supposed best friend, doesn't even miss a fucking _beat_.

"Well, I checked the schedule and it looks like your insecurity has dibs on him tonight, so you kids have fun," and she just walks out.

Karma follows her down the stairs. "You're a huge, fucking _jerk_, you know that?"

"I'm not the one experimenting with my best friend who I know is still in love with me! Let's kiss and not date, that sounds like a lot of fun for Amy!"

"AH! So you _do_ still love me!"

"Not right now I don't!"

They're in the hall near the living room now, and Karma can see her parents in her peripheral, watching them, and Amy wrenches the front door open and goes outside.

"I don't love you either!" Karma shouts out the door. "Fuck you, Amy!"

"Yeah, fuck you, too, Karma!"

"Amy," Karma's mom shouts, "do you need me to take you home?"

"No!" Karma says, throwing herself between the door and her mother. "Don't help her." Out the door, she shouts, "I hope you get kidnapped on the way home!" And Amy's shouting something back but Karma slams the door and never hears it and she tells herself that she won because she technically got the last word.

When she turns around, her parents are staring at her again. She hates when they stare at her, and they've done it like 90 times just today.

"What?" she says.

"Karma, your mom and I think it might be a good idea for you to see someone," her dad says.

"See someone?"

"You know, like a professional."

"Like a therapist? No."

"Sweetie," her mom says, "there's nothing wrong with talking to someone who's trained to help you."

Karma starts to get a headache. "Why do you think this is a good idea?"

"We're afraid that you might be… repressing yourself," her dad says.

"Oh, my God."

"Look, we don't want to push you to admit anything until you're ready…"

Karma doesn't know how to respond to any of this so she just goes back upstairs. And when she's in her room, she texts Amy: _Let me know you get home safe._

Ten minutes later, her phone lights up with Amy's reply: _Safe and sound._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **I had a plan for this part. It did not go accordingly. (Also, to the reviewer who said "This is the most random thing," you are correct. This is indeed.)

…

So Karma spends half the fucking night trying to figure out why she said those things to Amy. Or. Well. Pretending, rather, like she _doesn't already know_.

God. She hates _everything_.

Karma wants to watch something like "The L Word" on Netflix or something, just to see how she feels about it, but it's her parents' Netflix account and she really doesn't want gay shit popping up in the history. Not after tonight. So she streams an episode illegally online, and pretty much everyone is crying or screaming or something and all of the characters are annoying and old and Karma can't deal with any of _that_ so she searches around for a while and finds a movie that's supposed to be about lesbians but it's the fucking _worst_ thing Karma has ever seen. Like it's a _musical_. In a shitty _nightclub_ or something and Karma can't _believe_ none of the characters end up with HIV or HPV or something even worse.

Gross.

So she ends up watching the first half of Titanic and tries to pretend that Jack and Rose are a lesbian couple, but it's hard because Leo is so hot and Rose just fucking loves him _so much_ and Karma turns the movie off before he dies because God, they just _belong together._

(Amy only likes to watch the second half of Titanic, when the ship sinks. Karma tries to imagine what would happen if _they_ were on Titanic together. Well, they would both get seats in a lifeboat and survive 'cause they're both ladies, and probably the rest of it wouldn't happen either, 'cause it's a _movie_, but whatever.)

Karma types into the search bar "my parents think I'm gay"

"how to tell if your gay"

"how to tell if your bisexual"

"can straight girls like other girls"

"should I go out with my best friend"

"being gay in Texas"

"why cant I admit that I'm not straight"

At that last one, Karma feels a little lightheaded. She tells herself it's because it's after one in the morning and not because — oh, who the fuck even… it's because she's not straight. She's not straight. She can think it as loud as she wants and it's fine as long as she doesn't have to say it to anyone including when it's just her and God or whatever in the room. She's not straight.

But like, _why_ is it so hard to admit? Why _can't_ she handle thinking about it for more than 20 minutes at a time and then only in the middle of the night? Why would she spend her whole entire life searching for something to make her special and different all the while causally ignoring something that _makes_ her special and different?

She has an accepting high school, she has _really_ accepting parents, she's not weird or squeamish about it. Her best friend isn't straight, for fuck's sake! And she didn't mind kissing her! At all!

Maybe it's not true.

Maybe she's just confused.

Maybe it _is_ just a phase.

Sometimes characters on TV shows or movies or whatever are confused and everybody always flips the fuck out but Karma always thinks it's okay for characters to be confused because sometimes _life_ is confusing and sometimes you can't tell if you're gay or straight or bi or want to date your best friend or are still mad at her for sleeping with your boyfriend. Like, that's _confusing_.

She needs to tell Amy, though. She should be able to tell Amy anything, right? Right? Maybe not. Amy didn't tell _her_ right away, so maybe Karma shouldn't either. Maybe that would just fuck up everything even more.

The problem is Karma has no one else to talk about it with. No other friends. No boyfriend. Nobody. Well. Except for the fucking therapist her parents apparently are going to make her see because they think she's "repressing herself" and just fuck absolutely everything and a half.

She shouldn't have made a big deal about not dating Amy tonight. Partly because they weren't even _talking_ about it when Karma brought it up. Partly because even _bringing_ it up just fucked everything to hell. Partly it's 20-fucking-14 and two girls should be able to make out on a kitchen floor in a kind of marijuana-induced haze without thinking about whether they're going to _date_ or not.

Mostly because Karma kind of really wants to date Amy.

Fuck.

No, but—

Fuck.

FUCK.

She's not in love with her. But, like, she _could_ be, she thinks. They could probably kiss again and she'd probably like it. _Definitely _like it. And she doesn't want to go out with anyone else and she doesn't want Amy to go out with anyone else and she wants to call Amy and tell her that but it's after two o'clock in the fucking morning and Amy's probably asleep and Karma really wants to be asleep, so … yeah.

She goes to sleep.

(Kind of.)

The next morning, Karma goes to Amy's house to apologize and explain, but she forgets that it's Sunday and Amy's family goes to church and so Karma's standing on the front porch of an empty house like an idiot and maybe she should wait until Amy gets home or maybe she should just leave and then the door opens and Amy's there and she says, "Hey."

"Hey. Why aren't you at church?"

"My mom thinks I have pinkeye and she made me stay home."

Karma looks closely. "Your eyes aren't pink."

"They were last night."

Karma bites her lip. "I'm sorry."

Amy rolls her eyes but she smiles, too, and when she turns around she leaves the door open and so Karma follows her inside.

She always likes Amy's house best when nobody is there except for them. Like, Karma's pretty sure Amy's mom doesn't like her (she thought so before but _definitely_ after the homecoming outing) and neither Karma nor Amy really know what to do with Bruce and Lauren's just kind of annoying and it's just better if Amy's family isn't there.

"So what's up?" Amy says. She sits down at the table in front of a bowl of cereal and doesn't offer Karma anything to eat, which is fine, whatever, Karma will find something her damn self if she wants to eat. She's been here enough times.

"I wanted to apologize for last night," Karma says. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"Mmmmm," Amy says and doesn't look at her. Karma sighs. She's still pissed.

"I was just being an idiot," she says.

"Whatever. It's fine."

"No, it's not. You're mad."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"Karma, you don't even know why you're apologizing."

And she's got her there. _Just say it!_ Karma thinks. _Tell her what's been going on!_ But she doesn't. Instead, she says, "My parents are making me see a therapist."

"Why?"

"They think I'm 'repressing myself.'"

"Are you?"

_No_ is on the tip of her tongue but Karma manages to say, "I don't know," instead. Amy looks at her in a way Karma's never seen before.

"Are you going to ask your therapist why you like to kiss your gay best friend?"

Karma rolls her eyes and focuses on the part of that question that she can focus on. "Since when are you gay?"

"What?"

"'Gay best friend'?"

"Since … always?"

"Last time I checked, you were a 'sexual hulk.'"

"I was wrong. I didn't like boys. I liked normal."

Karma blinks. "What did you say?"

"I never liked boys. I liked being normal."

And Karma's brain just completely short-circuits. Never, in all her life, in all the stories and posts she's read online, _never_ has anyone phrased it quite like that. And holy shit, in that moment the entire fucking _world_ splits open. She likes dudes, for sure, but liking girls — or at least liking _Amy_ — was never compatible with liking normal so Karma just _didn't_. She _couldn't_. And now she feels like she can't breathe because she's going over every minute detail of her life and she's watching everything fall into place for pretty much the first fucking time _ever_.

Amy's nervous. "What?" she says.

Karma can't hear her.

Amy gets up. "Karma? Are you okay?"

Karma can't even _see_ her because she's thinking about every kiss they've ever had and trying to retro-active analyze them as well as thinking about every kiss she's ever _thought_ about or even _wanted_ to think about or not even kisses what about just holding hands or not even holding hands what about just looking at someone or not even looking at someone what about just _being_ with someone and not about being with someone what about just knowing that someone _exists_ and that someone, all of those someones, is a _girl_ and oh God does all of that add up to something important?

It _has_ to.

It _does_.

"Karma, can you talk to me? Can you hear me?"

She feels like she's going to pass out. She might, too. She's seeing spots and she knows that's a symptom of fainting because her stupid fucking dick brother Zen was a volunteer EMT in high school and talked about saving lives all the fucking time and taught them all basic first aid and Karma knows she needs to sit down so she doesn't fall over so she tries to reach for the table to lean against but it's a good two feet away and isn't this just the most over-the-top dramatic reaction to discovering your sexuality in all of history, Karma thinks.

She doesn't fall, but she says, "I have to go," and then she just continues standing like an idiot and Amy's up now and standing in front of her but she doesn't know what to do either and then Karma's knees buckle and Amy pushes her into a chair and Karma finally looks at her for like the first time. "Why am I freaking out?" she says.

"I don't know, Karma. You're going to have to tell me."

"_You_ didn't freak out."

And then Amy clicks. "Oh," she says. "I _did_. Just not in front of you."

"I told complete strangers I was — I can't even say it anymore."

"It's okay. You don't have to."

"_You_ can say it."

"Stop comparing us. We're different people."

"I feel like I'm losing control of my life."

"You're not. I know this is new and scary, but—"

"Why am I obsessed with being different but I can't acknowledge that I'm different? What's _wrong _with me?"

"Nothing. You're supposed to _want_ to be different but actually _being_ different is really hard."

"Oh my God, my parents should pay you for therapy." Amy laughs a little bit and Karma smiles kind of but she still feels like shit and she's still freaking out but not quite as hard. "Oh God, they're going to have a fucking field day."

"They're just worried about you."

"It's really fucking stupid is what it is," Karma says. "I'm not going to therapy."

Well, _it's not stupid for someone who needs the help,_ which is all she heard growing up whenever someone mentioned psychiatrists or psychologists or whatever because one of her parents' favorite hobbies is "erasing stigmas" but this is just _stupid_.

"Well, it sounds like you might not have to now," Amy says. "But talking to someone can really help. I've done it."

"You have?"

She nods. "Mmm-hmm."

"You never told me that."

"That's 'cause you just called it 'really fucking stupid.'"

God, is there one single thing that Karma _can't_ screw up? She really hates herself. Like a lot. Especially now. "I'm sorry. I don't mean … It's not a stupid concept."

"I talked to somebody after my dad left, and I talked to somebody before my mom got married the first couple of times."

"Why'd you stop?"

Amy shrugs. "'Cause I'm well-adjusted now." Karma rolls her eyes and Amy's grinning and they've known each other long enough to know it's okay to laugh at that. "No but seriously, I stopped going because … I don't know. Other things were happening. School was getting harder and I just didn't want to talk to anyone anymore."

Amy probably has a point. Karma can just try it out and see if she likes it or if it helps and if it doesn't, she doesn't have to say anything anymore.

"So, like," Amy says. "Is it girls and guys? Or just…"

Karma hesitates for a second and has to look away when she says, "Both," because just that single word is hard enough. And then she gets brave. "Or, well, guys and _you_."

Amy's eyebrow does something and without even thinking about it Karma's up and out of the chair and it's pretty much as great as it was on her parents' kitchen floor and she doesn't fucking know how long it goes on and Karma doesn't even hear the door slam but Amy does and she pushes Karma away (almost into the wall) right as soon as her mom and step-guy and Lauren walk in and they all just sort of look at each other and then Amy's mom says, "Oh, Karma. I'm sorry, but you'll have to go home. Amy's probably still contagious."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Here's a random chapter from Amy's point of view, due entirely to the fact that I just wanted to write one.

…

Amy's mom sends Karma home, and Amy thinks about shouting, _"Oh my God, it's not pinkeye, it was marijuana!"_

But instead she rolls her eyes, and her mom tells her to go upstairs and try not to touch anything.

"I really feel fine, Mom," Amy says.

"Well, better safe than sorry, you know," her mom says, and then she sprays a whole bunch of disinfectant in Amy's general vicinity. Amy coughs.

"The whole church prayed for you this morning, Amy, to feel better," Bruce says while looking at the newspaper, which he's already read, and he seems to be trying to be affectionate without actually showing her any affection. Which means he's exactly her mother's type. She can't figure out why they've been fighting.

"Maybe it worked this time," Amy mumbles. Lauren smirks.

A lot of people at church have been praying for Amy — she knows because they tell her, over and over again, while giving her hugs — ever since she came out on the news at Homecoming.

It's sort of getting annoying.

(She hates it.)

(Amy's also kind of sick of being treated like a pariah while everyone deludes themselves into believing that Lauren isn't also a letter in the LGBT alphabet, but she's starting to get the feeling that maybe, _maybe_ Lauren's getting a tiny bit sick of that, too, since she (accidentally) told their entire high school about being intersex.

And she can tell that Lauren is privately unnerved by watching their parents argue about serious things and not gross playful stuff like who gets control of the TV remote, so she's trying to cut her some slack.)

"There's no need for sarcasm," Amy's mom says. "Now go upstairs and lie down before you get the whole house sick."

Amy gets sick of this conversation so she goes without a fight. And she's just sitting in her room 10 minutes later, thinking about texting Karma (but she has no idea what to say) when Lauren walks in.

"You better leave before you catch anything," Amy says.

"You're not sick. I know it was drugs."

"What, you took ecstasy one time on accident and that makes you an expert?"

"No, I know because last night you came into my room and said, 'can you tell that I'm really high?' And when I said yes, you almost started crying."

Oh. Right. Amy forgot she did that. But in her defense, she'd almost started crying for a lot of reasons.

"Well, you should get out anyway," she says.

But Lauren sits on the bed. She doesn't say anything, so Amy ignores her. Amy types out a text to Karma. Then she deletes it. She scrolls through her contacts and thinks about calling Reagan. Not to get back together, just to talk. But she doesn't. And nobody calls or texts her either.

Amy expected more awkward sleepovers and international blind dates after telling Karma that she's still in love with her. Not… And then Karma said it wasn't even all girls, just Amy, which should be flattering, but it sounds more like a phase or an experiment. Reagan had dated a girl like that.

Amy doesn't want to be Karma's phase. She wants it to be real.

(Lauren's still here. That's annoying.)

"Do you need something?" Amy says. Lauren just stares at her for a second and then she scoffs and gets up and leaves. Amy kind of feels like a jerk, but Lauren was a jerk to her first, way back when their parents met, and she and Bruce might not be living in this house for too much longer anyway. And if she wants to talk about anything, she should just _talk_. So. Who cares.

Amy does. Amy cares.

_Sigh._

"Lauren?" she says to her stepsister's bathroom door. There's no answer, so Amy walks in. "Lauren?"

She's not there. Amy checks the hallway. Not there either. She hesitates for a second, then she checks the closet. Lauren's kind of weird sometimes, and she did spend all night at that underground club hanging out in the coatroom. (Amy assumed it was because of the ecstasy, but maybe that's just a thing Lauren does.)

She's not in the closet. So Amy gives up looking and opens the window because it's like 120 degrees in Lauren's room, and it's a good thing she does because she sees Lauren backing Amy's mom's car out of their driveway. Oh, no fucking way she gets to escape while Amy's trapped in this house with their parents.

Amy doesn't even remember deciding that _out the window_ would be faster than _down the stairs_ and _through the front door_, but she must have because now she's sliding on the roof. Lauren sees her now, and she's staring, open-mouthed, with the car idling half in the drive and half in the road, as Amy tries to climb down the drainpipe without breaking her neck.

They're really bad at this sisterly reaching out crap, Amy thinks.

Finally she hits the ground and sort of sneak-walks to the car, hoping her mom doesn't look outside and notice her leaving when she's supposed to be resting.

"What the fuck are you doing? Are you insane?" Lauren says.

"Did anyone see me?" Amy says, still watching the house.

"God I hope not," Lauren says. "Why are you here?"

"I don't want to be in there alone!"

"Oh, but you're okay kicking me out when _I_ don't want to be alone?"

"I didn't kick you out," Amy mumbles. But she knows she kind of did. Or at least didn't make it easy for Lauren to stay. "Are you going to drive?"

"This isn't a joyride. I'm running errands for your mom." But a line of cars are already stopping behind them, and when a horn goes off, Lauren has no choice but to back all the way into the road and drive away.

Apparently Lauren wasn't lying when she said she was going out to run errands because she drives Amy to a grocery store. Amy just sort of trails behind her as she walks into the pharmacy section and grabs a huge bottle of Tylenol.

"She told me to get you some eye drops, too," Lauren says. "I'm assuming you don't need any."

Amy rolls her eyes. Lauren also grabs some shampoo and some bananas. She makes Amy carry everything.

Then they just sit in the car in the parking lot, listening to really terrible music. Lauren does stuff on her phone. Amy eats one of the bananas.

"So do you want to talk or something?" Amy says.

"No."

"Then why'd you get so bent out of shape when I didn't talk to you earlier?"

"I never said I wanted to talk. I said I don't want to be alone."

Amy's frankly tired of having to take care of everyone in her life, but it's not like she can just ignore them. "Look," she says. "It's not a big deal. They've only argued a few times and not about anything huge—"

"I _said_ I don't want to talk about it!" Lauren snaps and Amy shuts up. It's quiet for about two seconds, though, before Lauren starts talking again. "And I'm not _stupid_. I know relationships aren't hunky-fucking-dory all the time. But I can tell you're thinking about it, too." Then her voice gets softer. "I know how many times your mom's been married. And I figured if anyone can know how long this is going to last, it'll be you."

Amy's kind of pissed at her for implying that all the failed marriages are her mom's fault. Lauren wasn't even there, so how could she know. And Lauren's dad hasn't even been married in like 15 years, so maybe he just sucks at it. But her mom's marriage record is true, and common denominators and all that. Plus, Lauren looks upset now, and Amy doesn't want to upset her further, which is Amy's only excuse for the next words that come out of her mouth, "I kissed Karma."

Lauren doesn't even look up. "Whoa. Stop the presses."

"Actually, Karma kissed me. Both times."

At that, Lauren finally turns. "What?"

And Amy realizes what she said and tries to backtrack. She's been outed before, and it's no fun, and she doesn't want to out Karma. "It's probably nothing. Just… experimenting, or… We were high. Yesterday. Really high."

"Uh huh," Lauren says. "So are you still in love with her?"

"No." And she adds, in case Lauren missed it the first time, "We were high."

"Whatever you say."

"Don't tell anyone." Amy gets really worried that she's betrayed Karma. Again. "Please. She doesn't… I don't know if we…"

"Relax," Lauren says. "Just…" And she gives Amy this look that Amy can't quite place. "I don't know, be _careful_, okay?"

And Amy suddenly realizes that Lauren's looking at her like she's _family_.

Amy shifts uncomfortably. It hurts in a way, like staring directly into the sun. Then the moment's gone, and Lauren puts the car into drive and they both go home.

(Later, Amy lets Lauren sit on her bed and watch black and white movies on her computer.)

(And when muffled voices drift upstairs, Amy just leans over and turns the volume up.)

(It's not a real solution, but she doesn't know what else to do.)

(Maybe that's what Karma's been doing, too.)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **If you think for one second I have any idea where this story is going, you are sorely mistaken.

…

Karma tries every excuse she can think of, short of coming out (again (_third _time?!) to her parents, to get out of going to therapy. Nothing fucking works. Karma's only 16, and she doesn't have a car (or a driver license) so she doesn't really get a say where her parents take her.

Well. She _did_ look up the laws in Texas, and if she were being abused, she'd be able to call the police or child services or whatever and get the problem taken care of, but nothing she searches online tells her that being forced to go to therapy is on par with _abuse_.

Which, okay, that's probably fair.

But she doesn't have to talk to this "doctor" if she doesn't want to. Nobody can make her. That's even a fucking amendment in the Bill of fucking Rights or something. Or at least _somewhere_ in the Constitution. She doesn't have to talk. That's a fact.

She's going on 10 minutes so far, without saying a goddam _word_. And therapy sessions are only 50 minutes. She learned that from television.

Her therapist (psychiatrist, psychologist, head-shrink, whatever), Dr. K— something Karma can't pronounce, keeps asking her questions, and Karma just sits, staring at the clock, counting down the minutes until she gets to leave. Her parents will probably be mad because it's not like they have a shit-ton of money to spend on therapy and stuff, so, but, like… who cares.

Karma sighs.

This is really fucking boring.

(She makes it 14 minutes, 17 seconds into her allotted time.)

"Look, I know what my parents told you about me."

"And what's that?"

"That I can't admit that I'm gay," Karma says.

Dr. Whatever leans forward. "What do _you_ want to talk about, Karma?"

"Nothing."

Dr. Whatever nods and says, "Okay."

And Karma says, "Look, I'm not gay. I just… would like to maybe go out with my best friend. That's allowed. It's 2014."

"Sure."

"And if I want to kiss her, without even going out with her, that's okay, too. Who the fuck even cares anymore about that. I mean. Not … I didn't mean to say 'fuck'… I'm sorry."

Dr. Whatever just shrugs. "I don't mind."

"Oh. Okay."

"Have you told your friend how you feel?"

"No, she told me."

"She told you what?"

"She— okay. It's kind of stupid actually. I — we — _I _tried to become popular at school by fake dating her, but everything just went to hell instead when she told me she was in love with me."

"Why did you want to be popular?"

"What?"

"Why was it so important to be popular at school?"

Is this lady for serious? Has she ever been to high school? Karma can't believe her parents are paying her. This is bullshit. "Because it's … _better_."

"Why?"

"Because I…"

Because. Just _because_.

Don't you say it. Don't you fucking dare.

"I don't have any friends. Not outside the… the one…"

It's hard to admit. As much as Karma wanted a boyfriend, she'd just fucking assumed that a fucking _friend_ would be there, too. She'd assumed that _Amy _would be there. And, like, how good is it really when everyone likes you if you don't have a fucking friend to go to shitty movies with?

And she doesn't even have a best friend anymore. Not really. Or at least not one can talk all this out with without a shit-ton of fucking _baggage_ and _awkward_ and _you can't say that stuff, I'm still in love with you_ and _this reminds me of that time you slept with my boyfriend_ and _remember that time we got high and made out on the kitchen floor_?

Karma has no friends that she's not almost _dating_.

And God, what even _is_ that? Still, like, _days _later, she fucking _still_ can't figure out if she's a straight girl with one _single_ exception or if crushing on Amy qualifies her as bisexual. She can't find a good answer anywhere.

And she also still can't understand why it's so easy for gay people to come out as bisexual, when as far as Karma can tell, they're both the exact same distance from _normal_. Karma can't even say the _word_ bisexual alone in front of her bathroom mirror.

God.

She wishes she were actually gay so she could at least tell her fucking parents she's _bi_. Then maybe she'd have someone to fucking talk to about all of this shit.

"That must be hard."

"Hard?" Karma snaps, mostly because she's not paying attention.

"I mean it must be lonely," Dr. Whatever says.

"Oh. Yeah. It is." Karma sighs. "I mean, it never _used_ to be. I don't know what happened."

Well, she knows _what_ happened, but she's not entirely sure _why_ it happened or why it's _still_ happening. Why can't everything go back to normal. It'd be easier. Way less confusing.

_Maybe not as good, though_.

Dr. Whatever's talking again, about branching out and making new friends, and Karma's only half-listening and not actually considering anything she's saying, but when Amy asks how therapy went the next day, Karma says, "She wants me to try and make new friends."

"What? Why?"

"Not like, _replacement _friends. _More _friends. Like how you have me, but you also have Shane."

"Oh." Amy thinks about that. "Well, just be yourself," she says the same way a kindergarten mother would to her kid on the first day of school. Karma laughs.

"Shut up. I'm not going to do it."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't need to."

"If she thinks it'll help then do it."

"I don't _need_ help." Amy, infuriatingly, doesn't say anything. Karma rolls her eyes. "People don't like me," she says.

"People don't _know_ you."

"They know enough," Karma mumbles.

"Look," Amy says. "If you really don't want to, you don't have to. But it might be good."

And Karma _really_ wants to argue, _really_ wants to just say fuck it, and she tries _really_ hard to pretend that it's not just because Amy fucking asked that Karma finds herself alone at lunch, searching for someone else to sit with. Amy's sitting with Lauren and her cronies, and there's an empty seat there, and Karma's pretty sure that she wouldn't get kicked off the table or anything if she sat down, but like, Amy _wants _her to try—

No. This is Karma's decision.

Who the fuck even knows what Amy wants anyway.

(Things they don't talk about: that first kiss on Karma's kitchen floor, that second kiss in Amy's house after Karma's epiphany of embarrassment and subsequent coming out-ish thing)

(Karma's honestly just taking her cue from Amy.)

(She has no clue that Amy's taking her cue from Karma.)

"Are you looking for Amy?"

Karma looks down. It's that Oliver kid from the drama tryouts. "Oh, no. I'm just… looking for a place to sit."

"Oh." He pushes a bag out of the way. "You can sit here, if you want."

Karma doesn't move. "Thanks, but I thought you didn't like me."

"No, I didn't mean… That was…" He scrunches his face up and starts again. "I was having a bad day that day. Really, you can sit. It's okay."

Karma hesitates. Then she sits. Oliver's sitting alone, and he could be nice, she guesses. She says, because she doesn't know what else to say, "How's drama?"

Oliver shrugs. Karma's in actual _pain._ Making friends is fucking _hard_. She wishes she were a less awkward person and could've made more friends when she was in, say, first grade. Or the womb. But then Oliver says, "You should've gotten the spot."

"What?"

"I was hoping you'd get it."

"Why?"

He shrugs again. "I thought you were good. And you clearly wanted it more. I was only trying out because my therapist thought I should."

Oh, right. Oliver sees a fucking therapist, too. Karma wonders if his parents made him. She feels like she should say something nice because he complimented her like eight times in a row, but she has no idea what to even do next, so she just says, "Thanks. I have a therapist, too."

"That sucks."

And thank fucking God or whatever that _someone_ can acknowledge it. "Yeah," Karma says.

"So you were never a lesbian, right?"

And, like, where the fuck did _that_ come from?

"Er," Karma stammers. "No…"

"You and Amy weren't really dating?"

"No." Karma's insides clench uncomfortably. She tries to calm down. She doesn't know where this is going, yet.

"Do you think she might—"

"No." Karma shakes her head. "Mm-mmm. Amy's gay. Really gay."

"So were you…" Oliver says.

"Yeah, but, Amy's like, _really_ gay." Karma shrugs. "Sorry. I have to go." She hasn't eaten anything yet, but she grabs her food and basically runs away and eats alone outside. And she constantly thinks about Oliver asking Amy out and she hates herself for caring so much, but not enough to not go corner Amy at her locker afterwards.

"I saw you talking to Oliver," Amy says. "He's pretty cool."

"Yeah, he's great. You should go out with me."

Amy stops. Just, like, _stops._ "What?" she says.

"You and me. We should go out. On a date. Sometime. Tonight."

Amy narrows her eyes. "Why?"

"_Because_ I … want to. Go out. With you." God, did Karma leave her ability to form complete sentences out in the courtyard? What's _wrong_ with her? "And then when Oliver asks you out, you have to say no."

Okay, maybe she shouldn't be allowed to say complete sentences.

Amy rolls her eyes. "How romantic."

Karma sighs. "I mean, I'm sorry, I've been messing all of this up, since we got…" she lowers her voice, "…high in my kitchen, but I mean it. I think we should… go out. Together. Tonight. Or whenever you want. That's fine, too. Or never, if you don't want to. Whatever. Just let me know. Bye." And Karma legit tries to leave but Amy grabs her arm before she can.

"I'll pick you up at 7:30, then?" Amy says.

Karma nods. And that's the last conversation they have together, until Karma's phone lights up at 7:27 p.m., with a text from Amy: _Hey I'm parked outside with flowers for you, but I don't know what you've told your parents. Should I come to the door or what?_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **This chapter was super fun to write. I hope it's equally fun to read.

…

Amy's basically perfect.

Karma's basically a mess.

And this date is fucking _awkward_.

It shouldn't be, right? They've known each other for 10 years! They can sit in uncomfortable silence and still be comfortable! (Most of the time.)

Amy takes Karma to a restaurant Karma's never been to before, and she doesn't know what to order because she doesn't know what's good and because like half the menu is in a language Karma doesn't know and because everything is just so fucking fancy and because she doesn't know who's paying. She doesn't know how those kinds of things work on girl-dates. Like, Amy picked her up, so does that mean she's paying for both of them? Maybe they'll each just pay for their own meal. But then, how is this different from every other time they've gone out to dinner and a movie together? Were all _those_ dates, too? Is _this_ even a date? Are they even _going_ to a movie after this?

Maybe Karma only thinks she said the word _date_ and she didn't actually and Amy just thinks this is two best friends hanging out on a Friday night. Like, yeah, she brought her flowers, but maybe she also expects Karma to give her gas money or something, even though Amy's never asked for gas money before and the only reason Amy drove is because Karma doesn't have her license yet, and her mom needed the car tonight, so Karma would've had to illegally drive them around in her parents' juice truck and that's not exactly romantic…

Not that this is, either.

'Cause it totally isn't a date.

(Except it totally is, because Karma dressed up a little bit and she can tell Amy dressed up a little bit, too, and Amy hasn't looked up from the menu in about five minutes even though it usually takes her about 0.5 seconds to decide what she wants to order and Karma's palms are getting kind of sweaty and oh, God, what has she done, what was she thinking, asking her best friend out, _like if things weren't screwed up before…_)

What if things are so weird after tonight that they can't stand to be in the same room together anymore?

What if things aren't so weird tonight but they get weird eventually?

What if this ruins their friendship?

What if they get kicked out of the restaurant for so obviously being on a gay date together?

What if they break-up?

_What if they don't?_

"Are we ready to order?" The waitress comes back and asks that and no, Karma is not ready to order at all, but Amy closes her menu and nods and so Karma does, too.

Amy orders something and when the waitress turns to Karma, she just says, "I'll have the same," even though she wasn't listening and has no idea what she just ordered. She wonders if there's a normal way to ask Amy what they're having for dinner.

No. Probably not.

Then the waitress leaves and they just stare at each other. They don't even have menus to pretend to read anymore.

"So…" Amy says.

Karma tries to remember what she and Liam talked about when they went out, and she calculates that half of their conversation consisted of convincing him that she was gay, half was trying to get him to call her his girlfriend, and half was having sex. She has no idea what to say now.

"I watched that documentary you were talking about last week," Karma says.

"You did?"

No, actually. Karma did not. Or, well, she didn't finish it. She'd made it through the first 10 minutes and was so bored out of her skull that she decided to do her homework instead.

"Yep," Karma says. "Sure did. It was interesting."

And then silence again.

Amy sips her water.

Karma reads the sugar packets. They say _Sweet'N Low._

Amy drums her fingers on the table.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Karma says, and she wanders around the restaurant until she finds it.

God, everything is so fucked up, why did she think this was a good idea, what was _Amy_ thinking going along with one of her schemes _again_ they never fucking work and just god-absolute-dammit.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck_!" Karma says into the bathroom mirror. "Fuck. Fuck." And then a toilet flushes in a stall behind her, and Karma whips around as a really old lady comes out and gives her a long side-eye in the mirror while she washes her hands.

This place is way too fancy for cursing and this lady looks like she's 90 years old and might just keel over any minute, so Karma says, "Sorry."

"Honey, don't even worry about it," the lady says, and she reaches a shaky hand into her enormous purse and pulls out a flask. A fucking flask. What is it with old people and surreptitious drinking, Karma thinks. (She'd just learned the word _surreptitious_ today and look! Here's a situation that already applies.) "You look like you need this more than I do."

"Oh, that's okay, I don't think—" But the lady presses the flask into Karma's hand.

"It'll be our secret."

Karma takes a look around, makes sure no one else is there, and takes a swig… right as the bathroom door opens.

"Karma?"

Oh, God.

(That's the problem with going out with a _girl_, Karma thinks — you can't even escape to the girl's bathroom without the possibility of being followed.)

Amy looks confused. Karma can understand why. "I'm sorry. This is weird, right?" Karma says, and she means the whole night, but Amy's looking from Karma to the old lady to the alcohol.

"Uh, a little bit."

"Okay, yeah, this is kind of weird, too, but I meant…" Karma gives the flask back to the old lady, who's just watching them now. "This whole night is weird, right? And it's my fault, right?"

"What? No. I mean, yes, it's weird, but it's not because of _you_. _I'm _the one messing everything up! Who buys flowers on a first date?"

"A lot of people!"

"No they don't!"

"Yes they do!"

They're interrupted by the old lady, who hands Amy the flask this time, says, "Calm down," waits for her to take a drink, and then leaves the bathroom, muttering something about _dumb teenagers_. Karma watches her go.

"You don't think she just roofied both of us, do you?" she says.

Amy's eyes go wide. "You don't _know_ her?"

"I just met her before you walked in!" Karma starts to worry. "Don't let me go home with anyone but you."

"Oh, I'm taking you _home_ now?" And it's so smooth and so out-of-the-blue and it's a side of Amy that Karma's never actually seen before and it leaves both of them momentarily disarmed. Like even _Amy's _surprised those words came out of her mouth.

And then Karma ruins the moment by saying, "I mean, you drove, I can't really take anyone anywhere." She closes her eyes and sighs and curses her entire existence.

Amy says, "I don't want to be your experiment, Karma." And Karma opens her eyes and sees that Amy's really worried about that and maybe has been for days, and Karma's such an _idiot_, of course Amy's worried about that because Karma hasn't made it clear:

"You're _not_. Look, I really like you okay? Like, like _like_ — how many times do I have to say like before you get it?"

It's not love, they both know. Amy _loves_ her. Karma _likes_ her.

She wants to love her, though. And she could.

Maybe.

Someday.

Tomorrow.

_Now._

"Okay," Amy says, and in the end it's that easy. They go back to the table and their waitress is there with plates of food and she looks relieved that they've returned and they sit down and stare at dinner for a full 15 seconds before Amy says, "What is it?"

"What do you mean what is it? You ordered it!"

"So did you!"

"I was too nervous to hear what you were saying!"

"So was I!" Amy pokes it with a fork. It's some kind of meat with some kind of sauce and some kind of vegetable.

Amy tries to cut the meat with a knife but it just sort of slides around the plate. Karma eats the vegetables. They're pretty good. At least she recognizes them — broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, some yellow thing, zucchini. And when the waitress brings the bill, Karma's the one who pays.

"So you want this to be over, or do you want to go see a movie or something?" Amy says when they're both back in the car.

Karma's never wanted something to end less. "A movie sounds good."

But instead of a theater, Amy takes them to a gas station, and for a second Karma thinks maybe Amy's idea of _a movie_ is Redbox, but Amy says, "I'm getting something to eat because I'm starving, you want anything?" Karma just goes inside with her.

Karma figures if they're going to a movie, they're going to need something cheap to surreptitiously snack on in the theater, and when she tells Amy that, Amy says, "Is that from your mom's Word-of-the-Day calendar?"

"No."

"Uh huh."

Amy grabs chips and candy and Karma grabs Cokes and Amy grabs crackers and Karma grabs Chex Mix and Amy grabs more candy and Karma grabs ice cream sandwiches.

"Those are going to melt," Amy says.

_In my mouth_, Karma thinks.

And they go to some animated kids' movie and it's kind of late so that particular theater is empty and the ice cream sandwiches totally _do_ melt and get all over the inside of Karma's purse and Amy laughs and Karma's pissed but she laughs, too, and even though the theater's empty they sit in the back row and totally kiss during all the previews but when the movie starts Amy pulls back and Karma says, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I want to watch the movie."

"But… we were kissing."

"We can do that later. I want to watch the movie."

With anyone else, Karma's self-esteem would have taken a hit. But with Amy… It's a weird dynamic, Karma thinks, to be on a first date with someone you're almost basically married to, who already knows just about everything there is to know about you, who feels just as comfortable saying _I'd rather watch this movie than kiss you right now_ as they are uncomfortable saying _I'm so in love with you I can hardly see straight._

(Pun intended.)

Or, well, maybe _weird_ isn't the right word.

Maybe the word she's looking for is something like _phenomenal_ (which was yesterday's Word-of-the-Day). Especially when, 20 minutes in, Amy decides the movie sucks and they make out until the cleaning crew kicks them out of the theater.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** I bet you thought this story was dead! HAHA NOPE! I had to deal with the fam for the holidays, which included mental illness, Christmas fires and ill-advised marriages, so I took a break. This part is short because I really just wanted to let you guys know the story's not abandoned.

…

So. Karma may or may not be dating her best friend. They haven't exactly been talking a lot since the 'dinner and movie' date-like-_thing_.

But it has to be something, right? There's no way two people get together like that without it being something serious. Every single romantic comedy has taught her that. There's friendship and there's… _this_. There can't be any inbetween. Right?

Maybe. Karma doesn't know. Once again, the Internet proves overwhelmingly unhelpful. Karma doesn't even know the terms she should be looking for. "Best friends who like fucking around who may or may not be in love with each other"? "Straight-ish"? "Gay-ish"? "Bi-ish"?

What else _is_ there?

Karma has no clue. And she can't talk about this shit with Amy because she's a little bit terrified of fucking everything up again. And who's to say that Amy won't run away and sleep with Liam (AGAIN) and then what if they live happily ever after in a huge corporate house with a million cars and like eight children and Karma's left all alone in a cardboard box because she can't find a job after graduating from a state college in this economy?

_Okay, deep breaths,_ Karma thinks. Amy seems to really like kissing her so probably she's not into Liam. Probably. Karma tries to picture _herself_ with Liam again, and no go. It's not like it used to be. Karma's not sure if that's because she's suddenly not into guys anymore or because Amy's overshadowing _everything_ at the moment.

To be honest, Karma's kind of regretting asking her to fake being lesbians with her at the beginning of the year.

It's not that Karma doesn't like kissing Amy. Kissing's fun. She just doesn't think she's feeling what she's supposed to be feeling when people talk about kissing.

She'd totally go out with Amy again, if either of them brought up going out on a date again, but they haven't yet.

And there's basically nobody for Karma to talk to about all of this. Her therapist, sure, but her therapist is like 40 years old, and Karma's 16, and that's kind of a significant gap. And she can't talk to _Amy_ about anything lest Amy decide that Karma is too much work or is too complicated or just… not good enough.

Maybe Karma's not good enough.

Karma tries to logically think herself out of that one: _What if _Amy _weren't good enough? Would Karma still "date" her, let alone be friends with her?_

That experiment is an abysmal failure: _It's just not possible. Amy is perfect._

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Karma snaps out of her preoccupation. Liam is standing beside her table in the library. He looks like he just made an awesome pun or something, but he also, at least, looks a little nervous about talking to Karma at all. Good. He should be.

Karma sighs. Her thoughts are complicated and not for sale, and even if they were, their price wouldn't be as low as a fucking _penny_.

"Can I help you?" Karma says. It comes off a lot harsher than she intended. Liam frowns.

"Look," he starts, and Karma really isn't interested in hearing the rest, but she lets him talk. "What I did was really messed up, and I'm sorry. I've said I'm sorry over and over. I don't know what else you want from me."

Karma doesn't know either. There's no reason for her to have forgiven Amy and not him, except that it's _Amy _and he's … just a guy, essentially. So she says:

"I know. It's ok— well, it's not _okay_, but it is what it is. I forgive you."

He looks placated, but also like he expects her to say more. When she doesn't, he says, "So, maybe you want to give us another chance?"

To his credit, he winces like he's expecting her to hit him. It's not far off what she's feeling, but she only glares at him.

He nods sadly and says, "Okay. I get it. But Karma?" She looks at him. "I really am sorry." And then he walks away and Karma wonders if it's for forever.

She finds Amy, after, and Karma doesn't tell her what happened but Amy somehow senses that Karma needs a best friend right now and not a girlfriend or a make-out buddy or whatever other labels apply to them at the moment, so they skip last period to go to some secondhand bookstore that Amy likes and Karma gets bored within the first 10 minutes but then she and Amy start writing out their own comment cards for books in the "Recommended" section and Karma decides it's probably not so bad.


End file.
